:: GussetBLOG ::

:: Monday, February 24, 2003 ::

During an unproductive band camp over at Sean’s place on Saturday we stopped for a break and for Sean to make himself some lunch. After much procrastination about what he should eat I suggest he should have a Corned Beef and/or cheese sandwich (both were in his fridge and he had rejected everything else I suggested as either too much effort or having eaten the same thing too recently). He took the can out of the fridge along with a hunk of cheese, he’d decided on the Corned Beef / Cheddar combo, and asked me if I’d mind opening the can whilst he sliced the cheese (oh-er). As I fiddle with the key of doom and start to unpeel the razor sharp skin from the processed meat I regale him with the story I heard on the news the other day. Paraphrased as if I’m really intelligent and can remember statistics my diatribe was something like this:
“Apparently 60,000 people a year require NHS treatment for injuries caused by difficult to open food packaging. This leads to a £12,000/annum bill for the NHS according to The Star (admittedly not the most reliable source) and the government are looking for ways to cut this. (Aside: are the government really worried about 12 grand of NHS money compared to the £2.3B it’s looking to spend on its IT overhaul?
Or is this another case of the BBCs missing millions?)
So as they are reporting this on Breakfast on the beeb they start to get people texting them talking about how the have injured themselves on the packaging of biscuits or apples or whatever and someone points out that they ran this same story a couple of years ago (it keeps raising its ugly head, just like that 12 grand a year the NHS can’t clear off of the balance sheets) and they had an expert on to demonstrate how to open Corned Beef safely.” How you become an expert on this is anyone’s guess. At this point I have finished the key rotating dangerous spring of razor wire creation manoeuvre and pause to contemplate the separation of the lid from the meat. I decide that as long as I hold the can sensibly this shouldn’t be too difficult... oh, how wrong I was! The short piece of can, now only about 5mm high, that was previously the fat bottom end of the can, is amazingly difficult to remove from the fat saturated mechanically recovered remains of the Argentinean bovine and possibly other animals. Although this lid is very slightly wedge shaped it is almost imperceptible to the unaided eye, I suspect that it is only the near perfect vacuum created by the fat content that holds them together. Eventually this gives way in a uncontrolled and violent explosion of meat, fat, razor wire and blood. The can has somehow imbedded itself in my finger in a way should not have been possible the way I had decided to hold it. Whilst holding my finger under the running tap and trying to keep some pressure on the laceration, and after a brief flourish of swearing, I finish my story, “...and the expert cut himself on the can when he was demonstrating!” Ha ha!
I have to point out that Sean was very helpful in clearing up the wound and even refrained from complaining about the blood on the floor. As yet I haven’t been to the hospital or doctors so I am not part of those statistics or a drain on the NHS, but I wonte be looking at a can of Corned Beef the same for a while.
The gash seems to be OK in the open air now, although typing is difficult and I’m not going to try and play guitar for a while.

:: Dan 24.2.03 [Arc] ::
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