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:: Monday, February 17, 2003 ::
A letter to the Observer from Terry Jones of Monty Python
Sunday January 26, 2003 The Observer
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been
round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got
everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask
me how I know, I just know -from very good sources - that he is, in
reality, a Mass Murderer.
I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first,
he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got
proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The
police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my
neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about
the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr
Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr
Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me
to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is
run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And
let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
the only way to bring about international peace and security.
The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have
never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and
kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson.
Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally
unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before
bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons
of mass destruction -even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've
just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as
Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.
Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim
because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush
know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is
dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an
act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you
really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being
suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs
to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe
he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to
fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to
eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr
Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people
in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in
odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using
the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her
up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the
whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and,
in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.
Ta, Grom
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