My nephew is staying with us at the moment and is keen to sign the 12 Days of Christmas, up the the appropriate day, to us each morning. In an effort to remember all of the lyrics, as my BBC micro singing version obviously didn't burn it in adequately during my childhood, I looked it up.
The first google hit, which I will not link to as I don't want to increase it's page ranking, was a Christian carols page that claimed religious symbolism to each of the days:
1 True Love refers to God 2 Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments 3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues 4 Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists 5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace. 6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation 7 Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments 8 Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes 9 Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit 10 Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments 11 Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles 12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed
This all sounds slightly dubious to me. A few hits down the ratings we find the wikipedia page. No more reliable a source but it does include the following text:
"The Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes indicates there are suggestions that "the gifts have significance, as representing the food or sport for each month of the year. Importance [certainly has] long been attached to the Twelve Days, when, for instance, the weather on each day was carefully observed to see what it would be in the corresponding month of the coming year. Nevertheless, whatever the ultimate origin of the chant, it seems probable [that] the lines that survive today both in England and France are merely an irreligious travesty."
"A bit of modern folklore claims that the song's lyrics were written as a "catechism song" to help young Catholics learn their faith, at a time when practicing Catholicism was discouraged in England (1558 until 1829). There is no substantive primary evidence supporting this claim, and no evidence that the claim is historical, or "anything but a fanciful modern day speculation."
"In fact, variations in lyrics provide evidence against the "catechism song" origin. For example, the four Gospels often are described as the "four calling birds," when in fact the phrase "calling birds" is a modern (probably 20th century) phonetic misunderstanding of "colly birds" (blackbirds).[original research?]"
So, the song is probably irreverent but it's not entirely clear. I'd definitely take any religious claims with a large pinch of salt.
For a more surreal take on it the brilliant 12 Days themed Why Bother? interviews between Peter Cook and Chris Morris, which is a gem of improvised comedy. [It's available on CD and in text form.]
Some readers may remember I did a stand-up routine a few years ago about Brian Eno being "The One" (like Neo in The Matrix).
Seems someone else thinks he may actually be VALIS (from the Philip K Dick book of the same name, although Radio Free Ablemuth is a much better book on the same subject).
Before scanning that from the Sunday Time Style magazine I searched for an online version. I didn't find one but did find this from last April:
What pop music tells us about JG Ballard "Author JG Ballard, who has died aged 78, cast a huge influence over the literary world. But for those who have never picked up one of his novels there's another forum for learning about his work - pop music."
...delaying busses but navigating around the city through vague memories of club locations. "Do you go to The Attic? ... By the Full Moon ... It's on the left after Clockwork ... umm, do you go straight down Gloucester Rd to the roundabout? ... OK, I'll have a single please."
Woman walking through the city centre today wearing odd crocs, ffs. As if wearing crocs isn't bad enough, as if buying TWO PAIRS of the fucking things isn't reason enough to have someone committed, she decided to go out wearing one yellow one and one orange one.
Music As Torture: War Is Loud "UPDATED: At Guantanamo Bay, the military is attempting to break down Muslim prisoners by bombarding them with ear-splitting rap and metal, leading human rights activists to ask: When does an interrogation tactic become pure torture?" By David Peisner
See also Jon Ronson's The Men Who Stare at Goats, which, bizarrely, is now being made into a film with Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges!
I found a mobile phone dropped in a puddle yesterday. I went through the numbers in it trying to work out whose it was and how to get it back to them. One of the numbers was for "Banksy." I was pondering this when a text arrived from the owners Mrs so I called her and explained and worked out how to return it. Turns out it belonged to a planning consultant from Surrey called Oscar. Banksy moves in mysterious ways.
"This is a message from Mark Thomas who is playing at the Tobacco Factory Theatre tonight in Bristol. He is organising a demonstration today (Friday) at 4.30pm outside Norfolk House, the local tax office in Temple Street: Message from Mark Thomas: While I am down in Bristol performing I thought it might be fun to do a little demo. So if you fancy coming along the demo is for the shutting down of tax havens and forcing corporations to pay their tax onshore. Where better to start campaigning than HMRC , the tax office in Bristol at Norfolk House. The government obsession with the free market means that buildings that were public are now private, so the tax office is owned by Sigma 2004 Ltd and the tax office in Bristol pay rent for their building. BUT Sigma 2004 Ltd were incorporated in the British Virgin Islands and Jersey - tax havens... so the tax office pay rent for a building we should own to tax dodgers. There is only one answer to this absurdity and that is to invade Jersey! No more multi lateral agreements at the G20, no more polite resolutions! Send in the troops, it's the only language these bankers and landlords understand! DEMO FRIDAY outside Norfolk House - Temple St Bristol BS1 6HS at 4.30pm bring banners and fun. INVADE JERSEY! We call on the HMRC to go on rent strike and move to a squat! Mark Thomas"
A large number of goats in Taiwan may have died of exhaustion because of noise from a wind farm.
How close were they? I've seen cows in the same field as turbines without issue. Maybe because they couldn't get away from it? Maybe goats are light sleepers?
I will be preparing a bid for a detailed study into this issue. It will involve me living in Asia for several months, maybe years, and access to as many goats as I could ask for. I may then move on to other animals. I expect the government grant any day now.
You may have seen the World of Harajuku Lovers Fragrance ads around on bus stops and such recently. Whenever I see these the imagery and the colour palette make me think of Burtie Basset and Dr Who's lazy unimaginative Happiness Patrol villain. Like so...
BBC5 TV "We are NOT the BBC. In an era when the majority of media corporations are subservient to ruling elites, new forms of underground media have to emerge. BBC5.tv would not exist if journalists were always allowed to publish the truth. The fact is that many are silenced."
Grom says: "It doesn't get geekier than this Honestly, outputting the contents of your hard drive to your speakers has to be one of the simplest and geekiest things I've ever heard of. A simple command and ambient/industrial music/noise is there for the sampling. this one's specifically for you DanP" Thanks mate! I'll be trying that out for sure!
"Part of the reason that Dr Floyd has been sent to Clavius Base is to deliver a morale-boosting speech to a crew bemused by what they have unearthed on the moon.
"Frankly, there is no way that this would have been done in the real 2001 without the judicious use of PowerPoint featuring Excel charts and inspiring pictures of puppies, and probably some free branded goodies to take away and cheer everybody up."
NickPlant says: Ho! I see that searching flickr for "evil snowman" yields 497 hits so assume you've checked them all. NB: I changed the title to quote you!
Well, that was a little presumptuous of you. For all you knew I was some fraud who had only ever seen two snowmen and had declared the other the most angelic, therefore making this the most evil by default.
Fortunately, however, I am actually the worlds leading authority on evil snowmen. I have indeed studied all 497 (now 502) evil snowmen to be found on Flickr and although some do look quite badly behaved (stabbing Pingu with scissors, for example) or even faintly demonic (but discounted on account of being painted and not made of actual snow) this one does indeed retain that honour.
It is definitely the only example I have found that appears to have been made by bleeding children's hands, compelled by some unknown force to carry on despite their cries of agony, possibly just leaving them with bloody stumps by the time its overwhelming presence and its power are complete.
If the above scene is not included in the next series of Dr Who it will be a herald a sad period for children's television.
Sometimes I have to measure the Reverberation Time in a space. In large spaces sometimes a starting pistol is required, as here. Sometimes this leaves residue of explosives on my clothes or my testing equipment. I then get stopped by airport security in Belfast or at the Eurostar terminal because I've tested positive for explosives and have a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes, in smaller rooms, popping a balloon is good enough. This means I have to go and buy balloons from an old woman who is suspicious I am going to use them for selling nitrous [oxide] at "raves."
With a memory as bad as mine I have to write a note on my hand before I go out for lunch to remind me to buy balloons. Today I choose to draw a small picture of a balloon as it would be more subtle than writing the word.
When I draw a small sketch like that one of these two thoughts commonly result: 1. Not bad, I should sketch little things like that more often, it's strangely satisfying. 2. Fuck. I've just drawn a sperm on the back of my hand.
"IKEA is the perfect family shopping paradise, but as Mark Hoekstra strolled through his hometown IKEA, something bothered him. They sell everything, for parents, for kids – they’ve thought of everything, simply everything. From knobs for your kitchen door to cheap ice cream after you’ve finished shopping, there's nothing that has escaped the minds of our Swedish interior overlords. But... where's the sex?"
"GYNEA provides a glimpse into the private lives of omnipresent IKEA products. The hyper-impersonal IKEA chair becomes the place where the most intimate and personal activities take place. A piece of furniture many people in the world own is transformed into a private domain."
Our 2nd EP from Gus Startslow. Dubstep, Breakcore, Electronica, Techno, Jazzyness and a clean ton of bass! Mad skills! Some really excellent vocalists involved with this one too.
ACP036: Automatic Tasty - Tweeter's Mid Life Crisis
This next instalment from our beleaguered pal, the Automatic Tasty, is a seven track EP documenting the recent hardships that have befallen this relic. Our knackered mate is currently spending his days eating packets of sugar under a bridge, a fitting end, really. Having taken an unflinching, top down look at the sidelines, rather than quite reading things as they appear, he has come to terms with the undeniable, & awful, situation at hand, & intends now, to act accordingly. Presented w/pleasure...
Press Association: "Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has officially apologised for being cunt. The 34-year-old DJ prompted complaints after listeners collectively realised he is an annoying twat. Moyles said he did not intend to be a cunt, it just kind of happened.
"In related news John Barrowman has apologised for loving himself too much. He admitted he had "taken it a step too far" and would try to by more objective in future."
"STOP PRESS! We've had some good funding news which means we won't be asking you to back your generous offer with hard cash. The huge surge in online support may even have helped cause this shift in fortune. Either way your encouragement has been a spur to action and hugely inspiring. And of course you will still have a chance to be in the film. watch this space... CM"
According to a recent mailout from Chris Morris fan list Cook'd And Bomb'd, Morris' latest project, a comedy about Islamist jihadists in Britain, has been cancelled by Channel Four. The good news is that Warp Films, the independent arthouse film branch of the IDM/electronica label Warp, has picked it up, provided it attracts independent funding. To wit, Morris is asking people to pledge to donate £25, which might give them a chance to be an extra in the film: "Following rumours in the press and online Warp Films can confirm that Chris Morris' comedy about british jihadis is being made by Warp Films as an independently funded cinema feature. The script has been written by Chris in collaboration with Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain and is now ready to shoot. Production will begin as soon as we are fully funded. To that end we are running a number of investment schemes including donations which give you the chance to be in the film. mail enquiries to: firstname.lastname@example.org Please pass this on to ten people [via dev.null]
Email query response: Dear Lion At the moment the detonator’s going off and you’re part of it but until the effect has gone exponential, your mails are being sorted by one person so bear with me. Many people have asked us exactly what the Four Lions project is. Clearly we can’t launch the film before its been shot, but I’ve pulled together a few paragraphs from the paperwork that’s been flying around. Its shameless hype but its accurate – unlike almost everything you will have read in the press. No one who has read the script could disagree with a word here. In three years of research, Chris Morris has spoken to terrorism experts, imams, police, secret services and hundreds of Muslims. Even those who have trained and fought jihad report the frequency of farce. At training camps young jihadis argue about honey, cry for their mums, shoot each other’s feet off, chase snakes and get thrown out for smoking. A minute into his martyrdom video, a would-be bomber looks puzzled and says “what was the question again?” On millennium eve, five jihadis set out to ram a US warship. They slipped their boat into the water and carefully stacked it with explosives. It sank. Terrorist cells have the same group dynamics as stag parties and five a side football teams. There is conflict, friendship, misunderstanding and rivalry. Terrorism is about ideology, but it’s also about berks. Four Lions is a funny, thrilling fictional story that illuminates modern British jihad with an insight beyond anything else in our culture. It plunges us beyond seeing these young men as unfathomably alien. It undermines the folly of just wishing them away or alienating the entire culture from which they emerge. It understands how terrorism relates to testosterone. It understands jihadis as human beings. And it understands human beings as innately ridiculous. As Spinal Tap understood heavy metal and Dr Strangelove the Cold War, Four Lions understands modern British jihadis. As for your offer, we’re hoping to set up a one click pay scheme soon. We’ll let you know. Hope that helps Deirdre Steed. PS Please pass this on to ten more people.
Can't afford or can't get your hands on a Tanori-On? Something missing in your electro-acoustic folktronic experimentation? DIY music enthusiast looking to beat the hipsters and tech-heads at their own game? Why not build your own Tenori Off!?
I'm ill. Or as one of my colleagues corrected, I'm sick. I came down with a fever last weekend. Shivering, sweating, chronic diarrhoea, all of that. No one else has caught it fortunately. So it's probably the result of something I ate or drank. Narrowing that down to things I had no one else did then it was either: a) post work drinks last Friday b) the glass of water I keep next to the bed at night that the cat likes to steal from me. I try to wash it when I know she's been at it but sometimes miss. Basically, I've got cat's ass disease.
I had a couple of days of vomiting Lucozade out of my ass. Despite the fact they even write on the bottle "Lucozade is not suitable for replacing the fluid lost during diarrhoea." What sort of a reputation is that to have to try to live down! And why do I still buy it when I'm ill? It's psychosomatic now. Mentally Lucozade and diarrhoea go together in the same way Ealing comedies and "the sick bucketTM" do.
I had to take a couple of days off of work. Even after the pure liquid form I still had a couple of days where I had only reached the viscosity to be able to create Rorschach Shit Blot tests on the back of the pan.
After that it turned in satay sauce. At least at that point I had energy enough to work from home for the rest of the week. I still haven't progressed past that point though. Time for some more rehydration salts. I've lost over 3kg (half a stone). That takes me from Light Welterweight to Super Featherweigh. At least, it would if I were a boxer.
I'm off all of this week anyway. On staycation. I hadn't heard that phrase until yesterday. Apparently even Radio 4 have used it. I feel like I'm jumping on a bandwagon. I have therefore decided to stay one step ahead of the pack and am declaring it an ironic post-staycation. Hopefully the rest will allow me to shit the rest of it through.
Excellent video by Leonard Lorrimarr, Edward Farleigh and (my mate) Matt Andrews. Nice work guys. Unfortunately, as is often the case with YouTube, the sync is poor. A great Detach'i remix though. I love what he does with sound. He's like an alchemist.
Having recently found Motomichi Nakamura's video for Otto Von Schirach's unusually catchy Laptops & Martinis (above) I went in search of more of his work. The black, white and red (duochrome?) look is ever present. I like the humour, style and the consistency but can't help wondering whether the limited colour palette is also limiting him in other ways?
Check out the animation page of his website. I recommend the Japan Cuts trailer and Walk in particular. There's an interview here and a CV here.
Rights, here's another fashion observation I can't get my head around. Firstly, I saw a girl on the bus last week who was wearing a fashionably distressed denim mini-skirt OVER a pair of jeans. I dismissed this as a freak occurrence until Monday, when I saw someone walking through the centre wearing a pair of mid-thigh blue denim shorts over a pair of black drain-pipe jeans. This should not be allowed.
"Evolutionary biologists claim that sociality is what has made humans such a successful species. We are masters at what anthropologists and others call "social intelligence." We recognize and keep track of hundreds of relationships, and we easily distinguish between enemies and friends.
More important, we run our lives by social calculation. A favor is mentally recorded and paid back, sometimes many years later. Likewise, insults are marked down on the mental score card in indelible ink. And we are constantly bickering and making up, even with people we love.
Sarcasm, then, is a verbal hammer that connects people in both a negative and positive way. We know that sense of humor is important to relationships; if someone doesn't get your jokes, they aren't likely to be your friend (or at least that's my bottom line about friendship). Sarcasm is simply humor's dark side, and it would be just as disconcerting if a friend didn’t get your snide remarks.
It's also easy to imagine how sarcasm might be selected over time as evolutionarily crucial. Imagine two ancient humans running across the savannah with a hungry lion in pursuit. One guy says to the other, "Are we having fun yet?" and the other just looks blank and stops to figure out what in the world his pal meant by that remark. End of friendship, end of one guy's contribution to the future of the human gene pool.
Fast forward a few million years and the network of human relationships is wider and more complex, and just as important to survival. The corporate chairman throws out a sarcastic remark and those who "get" it laugh, smile, and gain favor. In the same way, if the chair never makes a remark, sarcastic people are making them behind his or her back, forming a clique by their mutually negative, but funny, comments. Either way, sarcasm plays a role in making and breaking alliances and friendship."
Gusset, as a project, has taken a bit of a back seat recently. To Sean to a massive extent because he’s been arranging his wedding - he left for his honeymoon yesterday - and to a lesser extent for me because I was his best man. It was because of this public speaking engagement I volunteered for the stand-up set at Bash Out, I knew it would all be good practice. Anyway, as I spent a fair amount of time on this I may as well post it here. Aside from a few adlibs on the day this is how I rehearsed and (mostly) memorised it. It won’t all make sense but I’m sure you can work it out. Thanks to Amanda and Slim for there help and guidance with it.
Dan's Best Man's Speech for Sean and Ref's Wedding
Well, it was here but here's a little message from Sean instead:-
Thanks Dan, you did a lovely job on the speech and my friends and family enjoyed it. The rest of the world will have to wonder what you said sorry.
Not that I'm bitter about missing Glastonbury this year or anything. I was supposed to be working there but just couldn't afford to take the time away for it so had to drop out. To make myself feel better, I've dug out the 1997 photos.
Anyway, it was thoroughly miserable. We had seen Aphex Twin had play a great set that morning and seen Beck present a moving target in a white cowboy suit. The mud was everywhere. It was sticky. It took infeasible amounts of energy to get anywhere, and on top of that you had to walk ridiculously long routes everywhere due to flooding. By the Saturday afternoon we were pretty fed up with it.
We retired to the tent to cook some beans. We sat watching people trudging by as our food gentle simmered, a light drizzle replacing the steam coming off of it. (We had tried in-tent cooking the previous day but I'd set fire to my jumper.) There was some shouting coming from a large tent of crusties just across the "road" from us but that had been going on must of the weekend. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a syringe full of blood and scag lands in the mud between us and our lunch. Both our heads swing in the direction it came from to see two junkies running for it, pushing as they went, like rugby players after a stray ball.
One of them grabs it and they start to wrestle for it. Our gas is quickly extinguished and we retreat into the apparent safety of the tent and listen to the fighting just outside. They fall into the side of our tent, causing a partial collapse, which removes the last illusion of a safe hideaway. As we escape they tear through it, stabbing at each other with the syringe and spraying blood over all our stuff and our neighbours tent.
We go and find a security guard in the corner of the field. He claims he can't see anything and won't get involved. When we return everything has been flattened. A few items are salvaged and returned to the car, everything else is left to fester, to be trodden over and buried in the mud like the blood on a battle field.
At the farm house we are offered space in the barn along with several hundred other people (this was the year of the tent thefts). We decline and decide we will head home at the end of the day. We catch the end of Reprazent's two-hour set and then a great Chemical Brothers performance. When we head for the car we have to pass the front of the pyramid stage, in the middle of what later came to be regarded as Radiohead's greatest performance. I just cussed "fucking Radiohead" to myself and I fought my way through their fans. We have a surreal experience when we stop to watch some opera for a couple of minutes and chat to Stephen Frost, who seems just as bamboozled as we are. The drive home to Bristol was unusually quiet.
I swore I'd never go again after this. That lasted until the fence went up. I think I've been four more times since. It was my brother's first festival and I think he's only been to one other since.
Unfortunate ad placement. An animated spinning figure, fairy sparks flying, disappears into the washing machine k-hole with the message "Indulge your senses", in the middle of an article about the dangers of ketamine.
Horse tranqs are a bit of a leftfield choice for even the most seasoned drug user. Most people stay well clear of it. But it does seem to be the drug of choice at breakcore nights. The Croft often complained about Goatlab attracting too many drug users and not enough drinkers. K heads usually lead to an ambulance being called rather than the police, so you'd think little difference for the venue, except that they didn't make any money on the drugs in the first place as they would have done with the booze.
There was a guy thrown out of the December Goatlab who collapsed on the pavement and was eventually taken to the hospital. He checked himself out as soon as he could and by 3am was trying to get back into the venue. Much as I don't partake in anything like this and do not encourage it, I'll never have it said that our fans are not hardcore.
"The International Noise Conference has an admirable manifesto: "15 minutes or less per act / no lap tops / no mixers / no droning" and the acts on their recently finished US tour have the best band names I've ever seen. They're coming to Japan/Korea in September, and Europe in April 2009, so you've got time to get a set together." [quote via music thing]
It's a shame the UK leg is already fully booked, I would have tried to sneak a Bristol date in.
When you are limited to 15mins to show your skills. At making noise. Without the most ubiquitous piece of electronic music technology, the laptop, and when drones are banned, what do you do to stand out? You have a stupid childish name of course! These are my Top 15:
15. In the year of The Pig / Hem of His Garment 14. Filthmilk 13. Loop Retard 12. Gastric Lavage 11. Fat Worm of Error 10. Venereal Sandwich 9. Storytime with Grizzleby 8. Squid Fist 7. Magic is Kuntmaster 6. The Heart of the Whore 5. Abercrobie Sex Trio 4. Pharoah Faucett 3. Unicorn hard-on 2. My Left Uterus 1. 200Yearoldwolfpussy
The Arts Council are investing public money in a ridiculous online vote to find that people think that London is Britain's most musical city. Obviously they will go through a pointless public voting system before declaring the winner to be the place where the largest population lives as everyone just votes for their home town, but its all gone fun along the way isn't it?
"Ten cities from across the country have been short-listed at www.mostmusicalcity.co.uk by the Arts Council's 'Take it away' scheme. Celebrity ambassadors for each city, including Sting, Jamelia, Richard Hawley and Engelbert Humperdinck, lead the debate for the Most Musical City until voting closes on 30 May 2008.
"The ten cities competing to win are: Birmingham; Brighton; Bristol; Colchester; Leicester; Liverpool; London; Manchester; Newcastle; and Sheffield. (The arts council are happy to comment on the reasons why a particular city has not been shortlisted)."
The celebrity ambassador for Bristol is DJ Krust. I presume the list of people they asked looked like this:
Somehow I couldn't help myself from getting involved in the "debate." I wrote the following on the site:
This article seems to be a fairly typical under-researched effort at dropping in the names of all of the Bristol artists who have become known across the UK, but says little of how imaginative and vibrant up-and-coming artists from the city still are. I was pleased to see references in the comments to Big Joan, Kid Carpet, Gravenhurst, Angel Tech, Rose Kemp, The Heads, Joe Volk etc. I’d add Geisha to the list too. I was also pleased someone mentioned the criminally under-rated “King of Totterdown” (to quote PJ Harvey), John Parish.
From a personal perspective, when Breakcore hit its stride a few years ago it was Bristol that was the mecca for the whole of the UK, thanks in a large part to the legendary Toxic Dancehall parties and labels like Death$ucker Records, Cleancut and 1manarmy, who continue to push the boundaries of electronica whilst maintaining a crowd friendly danceability.
Now Dub-Step is in the same position, with some of the genre's most exciting names (eg Pinch, Appleblim, Shackleton, Atki2 etc) quietly beavering away, producing solid release after solid release and cross pollinating with the other scenes that all sit together so happily here.
As an example of the open mindedness that can be found, at the most recent Goatlab party (I have to hold my hand up here and say I promote it) General Disarray has just finished a hard as nails breakcore set and Syntheme was next up with her acid techno twiddlings. Before she started she felt the need to point out she’d be playing something different. A heckler from the crowd shouted back, "It's OK, we like everything!", which was followed by a small cheer from the rest of the crowd and another loan shout of "..except house!" and a laugh from everyone else.
Whilst perusing the Bookbarn a couple of weeks ago I was disappointed that more than half of their electrical engineering section was taken up by books for CD radio slang. Useful as these may have been at the time they are of little but academic interest now. I’m sure large chucks of the web, currently filled with those occasionally useful and oh so funny slang translators will equally waste future achieve storage space. Unfortunately, unlike radio, the medium they are translating will also be archived (eg my myspace has long since fallen into disuse) and thus the wasted space increases exponentially.
If you do insist on using it, here are the top 5 things I have learnt from it that you may benefit from knowing:
Do not accept friend requests from people who send you pictures of their body parts, even if they do write you’re name across them. This is a thinly vied guise – that it looks like you have seen through already – to get you to look at something called “pornography.” Incidentally, looking at it is fine as it can be passed of as “ironic,” just don’t tell everyone that you do by advertising it in your friends list.
Following on from this. Do not add friends ironically. Irony, like sarcasm (see slang translator comment above), rarely works in writing and is even less likely to come across through pointing and clicking.
Do not agree to play gigs (or in your case take commissions) from anyone you don’t know without seeing money up front. myspace is awash with first time promoters whose idea of promotion is to put a flyer on myspace. That’s it. No one will come to the gig as they will have only told people they don’t know in other countries about it. It will get shut down by the management as they aren’t making enough on the bar to pay the staff. You won’t get to play, even to the 14 randoms who wondered in by mistake. You won’t get paid.
It can be handy for getting around office firewalls that block webmail. However, facebook has already succumbed here and I’m sure myspace will follow. Fortunately generalities have shown that middle class twits use facebook, hence it is blocked in my office, whilst chavvy urchins use myspace, meaning it’s probably blocked in call centres.
Food Fight is an abridged history of American-centric war, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in conflict. Watch as traditional comestibles slug it out for world domination in this chronologically re-enacted smorgasbord of aggression.
Garfield Minus Garfield "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb."
"Wonder even sang a little dittie, with a harmonica, that was sung as if he were reciting the musical scales in ascending and descending order to the name of “Ba-rack O-ba-ma.”" Stevie Wonder sings for Barack... and it sounds awful. What was he doing?
In my mind it works best sung to the tune of Long Distance Clara from Pigeon Street. He should have tried that.
[That wonderful example of Alan Rogers artwork is available as a print from easyart.com. Thanks for the bandwidth!]
Thinking about the plethora of USB gadgets available these days (usually lazily named by adding an ‘i’ or an ‘e’ in front of its everyday name) a clever pun suddenly struck me. Has anybody ever made an eWok? A quick google found this wok based wifi antenna. Close, but not close enough.
A couple of years ago I was in the back of a London cab, just off the Eurostar from Brussles, and was surprised to find a TV screen playing a travel video about Paris. Presumably to distract from viewing London whilst there. Having seen the capital before, I watched the video, which showed a man wearing a suit made out of in-line skates rolling around the city in a surprising accomplished and impressive manner. Despite searching for the video later I never found out any more about it until now, when Grom writes:
Another person to add to the certified nutter list. Jean Yves Blondeau looks like one of the Wheelers from Return to Oz (if you've ever had the mis/fortune to see that movie) as he wears his custom-made suit consisting of lots of inline skate wheels and then launching himself down Swiss roads. Make sure you also see parts 1 & 3 for more details about the suit and to see him attempt to go faster than a motorbike in the dark.
It reminds me of this joke: Q: What's the hardest part of in-line skating? A: Telling your parents you're gay.
Jeremy Paxman, the Newsnight anchor famous for grilling cabinet ministers and airing his robust opinions on subjects as diverse as the future of broadcasting and the latest entries in Who's Who, has now voiced his dissatisfaction on another matter of importance to the nation: Marks & Spencer underpants.
The broadcaster is so concerned about the declining standards of men's underwear that he has written to Sir Stuart Rose, the chief executive of M&S, detailing his "anxiety" about its gussets, which he said no longer offered "adequate support".
"Like very large numbers of men in this country, I have always bought my socks and pants at Marks & Sparks," he wrote. "I've noticed that something very troubling has happened. There's no other way to put this. Their pants no longer provide adequate support. When I've discussed this with friends and acquaintances it has revealed widespread gusset anxiety. I do feel that someone should take up this mighty battle.
I have to say I'm with him on this, on two counts: 1. I also buy my underwear in Mark's and its quality has been declining over the years, and 2. It gets the word 'gusset' in the broadsheets.
"We would prefer that consumers stop using their brains altogether"
RIAA satire on News Target: On the heels of the RIAA's recent decision to criminalize consumers who rip songs from albums they've purchased to their computers (or iPods), the association has now gone one step further and declared that "remembering songs" using your brain is criminal copyright infringement. "The brain is a recording device," explained RIAA president Cary Sherman. "The act of listening is an unauthorized act of copying music to that recording device, and the act of recalling or remembering a song is unauthorized playback."