:: GussetBLOG ::

:: Saturday, May 10, 2008 ::

Unicorns

Labels: Humour

:: Dan 10.5.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Labels: Humour, Lego

:: Dan 1.5.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Following Humphrey Littleton's death last week, the Beeb pull together this small but perfectly formed article on the art of innuendo.

Labels: Humour, RIP

:: Dan 1.5.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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The Arts Council are investing public money in a ridiculous online vote to find that people think that London is Britain's most musical city. Obviously they will go through a pointless public voting system before declaring the winner to be the place where the largest population lives as everyone just votes for their home town, but its all gone fun along the way isn't it?

"Ten cities from across the country have been short-listed at www.mostmusicalcity.co.uk by the Arts Council's 'Take it away' scheme. Celebrity ambassadors for each city, including Sting, Jamelia, Richard Hawley and Engelbert Humperdinck, lead the debate for the Most Musical City until voting closes on 30 May 2008.

"The ten cities competing to win are: Birmingham; Brighton; Bristol; Colchester; Leicester; Liverpool; London; Manchester; Newcastle; and Sheffield. (The arts council are happy to comment on the reasons why a particular city has not been shortlisted)."

The celebrity ambassador for Bristol is DJ Krust. I presume the list of people they asked looked like this:


celeb ambassador
Originally uploaded by gusset.


Somehow I couldn't help myself from getting involved in the "debate." I wrote the following on the site:

This article seems to be a fairly typical under-researched effort at dropping in the names of all of the Bristol artists who have become known across the UK, but says little of how imaginative and vibrant up-and-coming artists from the city still are. I was pleased to see references in the comments to Big Joan, Kid Carpet, Gravenhurst, Angel Tech, Rose Kemp, The Heads, Joe Volk etc. I’d add Geisha to the list too. I was also pleased someone mentioned the criminally under-rated “King of Totterdown” (to quote PJ Harvey), John Parish.

From a personal perspective, when Breakcore hit its stride a few years ago it was Bristol that was the mecca for the whole of the UK, thanks in a large part to the legendary Toxic Dancehall parties and labels like Death$ucker Records, Cleancut and 1manarmy, who continue to push the boundaries of electronica whilst maintaining a crowd friendly danceability.

Now Dub-Step is in the same position, with some of the genre's most exciting names (eg Pinch, Appleblim, Shackleton, Atki2 etc) quietly beavering away, producing solid release after solid release and cross pollinating with the other scenes that all sit together so happily here.

As an example of the open mindedness that can be found, at the most recent Goatlab party (I have to hold my hand up here and say I promote it) General Disarray has just finished a hard as nails breakcore set and Syntheme was next up with her acid techno twiddlings. Before she started she felt the need to point out she’d be playing something different. A heckler from the crowd shouted back, "It's OK, we like everything!", which was followed by a small cheer from the rest of the crowd and another loan shout of "..except house!" and a laugh from everyone else.

We may have lost our ‘community festival’ last year (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashton_Court_festival) but look at the support that has risen up to make sure something replaces it (http://www.thebristolfestival.org/), with local musicians, promoters and venues all pulling together to put on fund raisers.

Independent music is alive and well in Bristol and award or not we're quite happy about it here.

Labels: Bristol, Flickr, Humour, Music

:: Dan 30.4.08 [Arc] [2 comments] [links to this post] ::
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"Bass Merchant: How long did they look at that logo before approving it?"

[via music thing]

Labels: graphics, Humour, Logo

:: Dan 23.4.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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[thanks sofi]

Labels: Humour

:: Dan 15.4.08 [Arc] [2 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Originally a comment on Doppelganger

Whilst perusing the Bookbarn a couple of weeks ago I was disappointed that more than half of their electrical engineering section was taken up by books for CD radio slang. Useful as these may have been at the time they are of little but academic interest now. I’m sure large chucks of the web, currently filled with those occasionally useful and oh so funny slang translators will equally waste future achieve storage space. Unfortunately, unlike radio, the medium they are translating will also be archived (eg my myspace has long since fallen into disuse) and thus the wasted space increases exponentially.

If you do insist on using it, here are the top 5 things I have learnt from it that you may benefit from knowing:

1. Do not accept friend requests from people who send you pictures of their body parts, even if they do write you’re name across them. This is a thinly vied guise – that it looks like you have seen through already – to get you to look at something called “pornography.” Incidentally, looking at it is fine as it can be passed of as “ironic,” just don’t tell everyone that you do by advertising it in your friends list.
   
2. Following on from this. Do not add friends ironically. Irony, like sarcasm (see slang translator comment above), rarely works in writing and is even less likely to come across through pointing and clicking.
   
3. Do not agree to play gigs (or in your case take commissions) from anyone you don’t know without seeing money up front. myspace is awash with first time promoters whose idea of promotion is to put a flyer on myspace. That’s it. No one will come to the gig as they will have only told people they don’t know in other countries about it. It will get shut down by the management as they aren’t making enough on the bar to pay the staff. You won’t get to play, even to the 14 randoms who wondered in by mistake. You won’t get paid.
   
4. It can be handy for getting around office firewalls that block webmail. However, facebook has already succumbed here and I’m sure myspace will follow. Fortunately generalities have shown that middle class twits use facebook, hence it is blocked in my office, whilst chavvy urchins use myspace, meaning it’s probably blocked in call centres.
   
5. Don’t bother.

Labels: blogs, Humour, SocialNetworking

:: Dan 25.3.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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NSFW

[thanks danknugz]

Labels: Humour, Video

:: Dan 21.3.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Food Fight is an abridged history of American-centric war, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in conflict. Watch as traditional comestibles slug it out for world domination in this chronologically re-enacted smorgasbord of aggression.



Breakdown of the foodstuffs
Breakdown of the actual battles portrayed in the film

Labels: Animation, Food, Humour, Politics, Video

:: Dan 12.3.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Garfield Minus Garfield
"Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb."

Labels: Art, Humour, psychology

:: Dan 28.2.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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20 Tacky Religious Products Guaranteed to Anger God
[thanks rob]

Labels: Humour, Religion

:: Dan 21.2.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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"Wonder even sang a little dittie, with a harmonica, that was sung as if he were reciting the musical scales in ascending and descending order to the name of “Ba-rack O-ba-ma.”"
Stevie Wonder sings for Barack... and it sounds awful. What was he doing?

In my mind it works best sung to the tune of Long Distance Clara from Pigeon Street. He should have tried that.



[That wonderful example of Alan Rogers artwork is available as a print from easyart.com. Thanks for the bandwidth!]

Labels: Animation, Art, Humour, Music, News, Politics

:: Dan 6.2.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Thinking about the plethora of USB gadgets available these days (usually lazily named by adding an ‘i’ or an ‘e’ in front of its everyday name) a clever pun suddenly struck me. Has anybody ever made an eWok? A quick google found this wok based wifi antenna. Close, but not close enough.

Labels: Food, Gadget, Humour

:: Dan 5.2.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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A couple of years ago I was in the back of a London cab, just off the Eurostar from Brussles, and was surprised to find a TV screen playing a travel video about Paris. Presumably to distract from viewing London whilst there. Having seen the capital before, I watched the video, which showed a man wearing a suit made out of in-line skates rolling around the city in a surprising accomplished and impressive manner. Despite searching for the video later I never found out any more about it until now, when Grom writes:

Another person to add to the certified nutter list. Jean Yves Blondeau looks like one of the Wheelers from Return to Oz (if you've ever had the mis/fortune to see that movie) as he wears his custom-made suit consisting of lots of inline skate wheels and then launching himself down Swiss roads. Make sure you also see parts 1 & 3 for more details about the suit and to see him attempt to go faster than a motorbike in the dark.

It reminds me of this joke:
Q: What's the hardest part of in-line skating?
A: Telling your parents you're gay.

Labels: Humour, Skate, Travel, Video

:: Dan 2.2.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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You don't expect to see the phrase "widespread gusset anxiety" in the Guardian everyday, but it was there yesterday, when quoting Jeremy Paxman nonetheless.

Paxman raises smalls problem with M&S [full text]

Quote:

Jeremy Paxman, the Newsnight anchor famous for grilling cabinet ministers and airing his robust opinions on subjects as diverse as the future of broadcasting and the latest entries in Who's Who, has now voiced his dissatisfaction on another matter of importance to the nation: Marks & Spencer underpants.

The broadcaster is so concerned about the declining standards of men's underwear that he has written to Sir Stuart Rose, the chief executive of M&S, detailing his "anxiety" about its gussets, which he said no longer offered "adequate support".

"Like very large numbers of men in this country, I have always bought my socks and pants at Marks & Sparks," he wrote. "I've noticed that something very troubling has happened. There's no other way to put this. Their pants no longer provide adequate support. When I've discussed this with friends and acquaintances it has revealed widespread gusset anxiety. I do feel that someone should take up this mighty battle.

I have to say I'm with him on this, on two counts:
1. I also buy my underwear in Mark's and its quality has been declining over the years, and
2. It gets the word 'gusset' in the broadsheets.

[via lmg]

Labels: Fashion, Gusset, Humour, News, Politics

:: Dan 23.1.08 [Arc] [1 comments] [links to this post] ::
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The Emo Emu says: If I had arms I'd cut myself
headinjurytheater.com

Labels: Humour

:: Dan 17.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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"I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie"

Source: 100 Greatest Quotes from fundamentalist Christian chat rooms

Labels: Humour, Religion

:: Dan 15.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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5 Badly designed logos & 7 badly designed logos

Labels: graphics, Humour

:: Dan 11.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Spin (Double Edge Films)



[thanks rob]

Labels: Film, Humour

:: Dan 11.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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RIAA satire on News Target:
On the heels of the RIAA's recent decision to criminalize consumers who rip songs from albums they've purchased to their computers (or iPods), the association has now gone one step further and declared that "remembering songs" using your brain is criminal copyright infringement. "The brain is a recording device," explained RIAA president Cary Sherman. "The act of listening is an unauthorized act of copying music to that recording device, and the act of recalling or remembering a song is unauthorized playback."

[thanks meatsock]

Labels: Copyright, Humour, IP

:: Dan 10.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Japanese Bug Fights
[thanks sofi]

Labels: Humour, Insects, Video

:: Dan 8.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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'When you eat broccoli, do you pretend you are a giant eating a tree?'
[quote Nick the Greek, Transco]





More

[thanks hardoff]

Labels: Food, graphics, Humour, Photography

:: Dan 6.1.08 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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When discussing cheese-dreams earlier today someone mentioned this article, Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Cheese, from the British Cheese Board. It's over two years old but still the first Google hit for "cheese dreams."

I've never held with the popular myth that cheese gives you nightmares but do feel that it can give me freaky dreams. In fact, I quite enjoy some late night cheese nibbling for that very reason. It seems that the pun happy British Cheese Board – whose aim is to "increase consumption of cheese in the UK" – has come to the same conclusion, based on some fairly unscientific and marketing department friendly testing. For a start, no control group was used, which invalidates everything.

That point aside, the article is worth reading for the snippets of dreams people have described quoted in the text. For example, "Cheddar eating participants tended to dream of celebrities ... and one lucky girl helped to form a human pyramid under the supervision of Johnny Depp."

'Human pyramid' eh? Under Johnny Depp you say? Hmm. I'm sure marketing can clean that up a little.

Labels: Food, Humour

:: Dan 2.1.08 [Arc] [1 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Steve the Stove....
Originally uploaded by ChewerDub.

says: happy holygays!

Labels: Flickr, Humour

:: Dan 25.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Climax Deep Well Pump
Originally uploaded by gusset.

I love it when documents like this pop up in the office. This was some form of well investigation from 1961. Obviously no-one had any qualms about naming a piece of equipment a 'Climax Deep Well Pump' back then. Ah, innocent times.

Labels: Flickr, Humour

:: Dan 17.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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[via b3ta]

Labels: Humour

:: Dan 15.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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I've just finished reading The Road to Wigan Pier. It contains a selection of derogatory references to stereotypical Socialists and Liberals - who drive others away from their cause with their eccentricity - as 'creeping Jesus, sandal wearing, vegetarians.' These comments culminate in Chapter XI with this brilliant quote:

"Any Socialist, he probably felt, could be counted on to have something eccentric about him. And some such notion seems to exist even among Socialists themselves. For instance, I have here a prospectus form another summer school which states its terms per week and then asks me to say ‘whether my diet is ordinary or vegetarian’. They take it for granted, you see, that it is necessary to ask this question. This kind of thing is by itself sufficient to alienate plenty of decent people. And their instinct is perfectly sound, for the food crank is by definition a person willing to cut himself off from human society in hopes of adding five years onto the life of his carcase; that is, a person out of touch with common humanity."

Things have changed a bit since the '30s haven't they.

Labels: Food, Humour, Literature

:: Dan 14.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Charlie Stross on underground security:

The solution to protecting the London Underground from terrorist suicide bombers can be summed up in one word: Daleks. One Dalek per tube platform, behind a door at the end. Fit them with cameras and remote controls and run them from Ken Livingstone's office. Any sign of terrorism on the platform? Whoosh! The doors open and the Dalek comes out, shrieking "exterminate!" in a demented rasp reminiscent of Michael Howard during his tenure as Home Secretary, only less merciful.

The British are trained from birth to know the two tactics for surviving a Dalek attack; run up the stairs (or escalator), or hide behind the sofa. There are no sofas in the underground, but there are plenty of escalators. Switch them to run upwards when the Dalek is out, and you can clear a platform in seconds.

Suicide bombers are by definition Un-British, and will therefore be unable to pass a citizenship test, much less deal with the Menace from Skaro. And as for motivating the Daleks, one need only mention that the current crop of would-be British suicide bombers are doctors ...

[via null device]

Labels: Dr Who, Humour, Sci-Fi, Secuirty

:: Dan 13.12.07 [Arc] [1 comments] [links to this post] ::
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I mentioned David Wachtenheim & Robert Marianetti's Saddam and Osama cartoon when I attended Inspirational International at the animation festival in 2005. At the time I called it, "an absolutely hilarious satire of US foreign policy and the supposed connection between their two greatest enemies." I've just found it on YouTube finally (its only been there a year), and although it doesn't work as well online as it did in a cinema packed with liberals at the hight of the Iraq conflict, it's still well worth a viewing.

Labels: Animation, Humour, Politics

:: Dan 13.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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You find some enlightening reading material lying around in the office kitchen. Among the usual quick turnaround dross like a couple of days worth of Metros and my gig flyers there is usually some material with more staying power. The Amnesty magazines I've dropped there have always stayed and I know have lead to at least one sign-up (do I get a commission?). The FT appears from time to time. Strategic Risk magazine is currently liberally littered around the place, displaying headlines like "Kidnap – a booming industry"

My favourite find to date has been Chief Executive Officer magazine. Now, my understating of business organisation is not as clear as it might be - the view is obscured somewhat from my lowly position - but am I not right in thinking most businesses have just the one CEO?

Who left this here and for who to read? Surely it is only of interest to the person who bought (subscribed to?) it and a couple of people who are after their job. You'd think they wouldn't want to give them any pointers. The thing itself is bizarre. It's in the same high gloss finish as in-flight magazines, rather than the matt finish I like and am used to as is the current trend in fashion and graphics magazines. It's full of profiles of up and coming CEOs and statistical breakdowns of average CEO ages by industry (no mention of sex though). My favourite part of all of this though, is the wind down section in the back dedicated to improving your golf swing. No stereotypes reinforced there then. I'm not sure what I can add to that.

Labels: Humour, Literature

:: Dan 3.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Complete Receipt Defeat
"I recently bought a four-pack of Play-Doh — big plans for the weekend — at my local Toys R Us and received, along with my purchase, over a foot and a half of receipt. That comes out to almost an inch of paper for every dime I spent. Here it is, broken down by height in inches..."
[via lmg]

Labels: Environment, Humour

:: Dan 3.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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I found an article that amused me in the Metro a couple of weeks ago about the sexual antics of various sea creatures. Annoyingly it’s not on the Metro website, but by googling a phase in it I found another blogger who had typed the whole thing up.
Kinky secrets of the deep
Example:
GIANT SQUID
These giants of the deep have come up with a handy solution to breeding. They live in the darkest depths of the world’s oceans and on the rare occasions that males and females do meet up they have to make the most of the opportunity.
The male which grows up to 14m has a metre long muscular penis which he uses to stab the female’s tentacles. His sperm is deposited into the resulting wound where it remains until the female is ready to make use of them.
Amazing.

However, use caution if you stray elsewhere on Paddleuser2's blog. There are some interesting posts about fetishisms and the law, but it's not stuff you want to be found reading in work.

Returning to the subject of the mainstream media's "ooh, aren't some people funny" attitude to reporting of sex stories - despite the fact it will find any excuse to shoehorn such a story in - I found this whilst searching for the former article:
Splosh!
The studio referred to is here.

Labels: Fetish, Humour

:: Dan 2.12.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Situation normal. Previous post updated.

Labels: Humour, Privacy

:: Dan 29.11.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Man hurt using gun to change tyre
A US man has injured himself in both legs after attempting to loosen a stiff wheel-nut by blasting it with his gun. Shooting at the wheel from arm's length with his 12-gauge shotgun, he was peppered with buckshot and debris. He sustained injuries from his feet to the middle of his abdomen, with some pellets reaching as high as his chin, police said.

If only he'd hit himself in the nuts he'd have qualified for the Darwin awards.


[thanks weyheyhey for the image]

Labels: Humour, News

:: Dan 14.11.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Rap represented in mathematical charts and graphs

Labels: Humour

:: Dan 12.11.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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FBI Hoped to Follow Falafel Trail to Iranian Terrorists

Like Hansel and Gretel hoping to follow their bread crumbs out of the forest, the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists.

The idea was that a spike in, say, falafel sales, combined with other data, would lead to Iranian secret agents in the south San Francisco-San Jose area.

The brainchild of top FBI counterterrorism officials Phil Mudd and Willie T. Hulon, according to well-informed sources, the project didn’t last long. It was torpedoed by the head of the FBI’s criminal investigations division, Michael A. Mason, who argued that putting somebody on a terrorist list for what they ate was ridiculous — and possibly illegal.

[via dev.null]

Labels: Food, Humour, Politics

:: Dan 8.11.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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I've collected up a lot of links that I have little to add to recently, so here's a link dump of things you might find interesting, useful or humorous:

The definitive Lorem Ipsum resource

Microsoft error messages in haiku form

The blog of "unnecessary" quotation marks

Vector Magic: image to vector converter

The 88 Fast Food Items Most Likely To Kill You
U.S. centric. I've never heard of most of these chains. And wtf is this at #54: "Jack in the Box Sausage Biscuit"? The mind boggles.
[via slashfood]

The Honeypot, West St, Bedminster

[via hijack]

For the musicians:
Octavcat remix competition
Expired Two Loan Swordsmen remix competition, but you can still grab samples if you want them. (Of course, you then shouldn’t use them.)
Virtual cct bent speak & spell

Labels: Electronic Music, Food, graphics, Humour, Literature, Typography

:: Dan 8.11.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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DwC 113
Originally uploaded by gusset.


I've given the Drinks with Chunks blog a major update post. Get your molars around that.

Labels: Food, Humour

:: Dan 29.10.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
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Names changed to protect the people who will be leaving the company in a week so really don't give a shit anymore.

From: Dan
Sent: 10 October 2007 10:15
To: Admin1

Hi Admin1,
Thanks to be handed a previous member of staff’s mobile phone I receive a lot of unwanted text messages that were intended for him. Whilst an inappropriate message from his girlfriend was amusing (she never made that mistake again), and bbq invites from his friends always welcome, I’ve recently started receiving messages that are not appropriate for work! I’ve tried replying asking for them to stop, but they are coming from a premium rate number so the request is blocked from going out. Is there anyway I can block messages coming in from particular numbers?
Cheers,
Dan

________________________________________
From: Admin1
Sent: 10 October 2007 10:19
To: Admin2
Subject: FW: Information Required - Company Mobile Phones

Admin2,

Is there anything we can do about this?

________________________________________

From: Admin2
Sent: 11 October 2007 10:33
To: Admin1
Subject: RE: Information Required - Company Mobile Phones

There is nothing we can do I’m afraid

________________________________________
From: Admin1
Sent: 15 October 2007 09:22
To: Dan

Hi Dan,

I’m afraid that there is nothing that can be done with regards to this matter.

Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.

Regards

Admin1

________________________________________
From: Dan
Sent: 15 October 2007 10:37
To: Admin1; Admin2

That’s a pathetic cop out of a response.

I’ve just registered with the Vodafone online account control and found that “18 Rated Content” is already blocked. Not blocked enough for my liking. They claim that this service makes the phone safe for use by children, but would you call the following text messages child safe? (all received in the last two weeks):

• Told my st8 mate to pretend I was his bird while I sucked his fat hard cock! Call 09097908669
  
• Our gay chat service has just got busier with even more guys online & still at a fantastic low price! Call 08712303030…
  
• If you like hot horny men, sexy phone wanks or seedy filthy meets then give us a call on 08712303030 and chat NOW. …
  
• Wanna get your face fucked by a real man & take my fat 9” cock up your arse? Call 08712303030 if you can handle it. …
  
• Wanna share you filty fantasies with fit fuckable fellas? Call 08712303030 & get chatting with horny guys now …

The Vodafone website tells me to reply with the word “STOP”, but the message is blocked from going out. On other providers websites I’ve found numbers for forwarding text messages to for reporting spam, but I can’t find such a number for Vodafone. There must be one?

I don’t want messages like this popping up when I’m in a meeting with a client, in a car with a colleague, in the office, or anywhere else for that matter. And I’m sure you don’t want your staff getting messages like this either.

I don’t appreciate being told that there is nothing you can do about it. Surely you have some contact at Vodafone who can advise? There must be a method of reporting spam? Surely there is a way to block certain numbers? (You can see that they come predominately from one number)

Please do something about this.

Regards,
Dan

________________________________________
From: Dan
Sent: 15 October 2007 15:20
To:Admin1; Admin2

Thanks for your telephone response, Admin2.
You may not consider that a cop out response in light that there is a Vodafone corporate customer services team available, but that information would have been helpful up-front in place of “There is nothing we can do I’m afraid“.
I have now spoken to Vodafone. It would appear that that is a general corporate customer services number rather than a support team specifically for us as suggested.
The not very helpful “Tim” says that the two numbers those messages came from are not listed on whatever is the official list is of who sends out junk messages. He therefore suggested that I should call the numbers directly and ask them to stop contacting me (£1.50 and 10p per minute respectively.)
I said that I wasn’t prepared to do this.*
He said there’s noting he can do about it (and then somehow made the sound of shrugging).
I pointed out that, theoretically, this phone could be owned by a child and their website claimed they were capable of blocking adult content.
On the defensive, he said that that didn’t apply as I had signed a waver to lift the ban.
I pointed out that (a) I’ve never signed anything of the sort and (b) the Vodafone website claims the ban is still in place on this handset. (He was also surprised to lean that I was a corporate rather than I private customer, further denting my confidence in their customer support service.)
He then insisted that my number must have been given away to somebody at some time in the past and therefore the ban didn’t apply, had I ever done that?
I could only respond that the number did not always belong to me so I have no idea what happened to it before hand.
He said, “Well there you go then,” (and made the ‘like I give a shit’ shrugging noise again.)
I asked if there was any other way of blocking such messages, and he told me that the Telephone Preference Service also covers mobile numbers. Again, information that would have been useful up-front, but I guess that is information that reduces revenue and so it not advertised. I also doubt how much good it would do as the messages are originating from a source outside of the official spammer database.
Having looked at the TPS registration form I’m unsure about how to enter a corporate mobile number on it. The Terms and Conditions imply it is a sign up for the business as a whole. Any advice here would be appreciated.
And I further suggest that you take the matter up with Vodafone. Their customer service is poor and I refuse to believe there is any technical barrier to blocking incoming messages from particular numbers, the only real problem as I see it is their own apathetic attitude.
Regards,
Dan

* In retrospect in may come to that!


________________________________________

Further to the above email chain I've been thinking. To my knowledge my number has never been given away except on my business card, which obviously I don't leave around willy-nilly. Maybe my number is just very close to someone else's and I'm now getting these messages as a result of a typo somewhere along the line. There is a market for these sorts of text message, for the sort of people who want to receive them, but you aren't going to find those people by testing numbers randomly. So how would you go about building a database? If I were in that business I'd send out scouts to cottaging hot-spots to collect numbers from public toilet walls etc. There's a pretty good chance the people that happily leave numbers there would respond to these sorts of messages. That would make an interesting job too. Maybe in areas where the police were trying to prevent such activity they could to do the same thing then start sending warning messages, "we know what you've been doing," or reminders about the law or the dangers involved. Maybe they do that already?

I hope some dyslexic pink-oboe player hasn't inadvertently scribbled my number anywhere. Not my work number at least.
________________________________________

Update

From: Dan
Sent: 25 October 2007 09:31
To: Admin2

Hi Admin2,

Any progress with Vodafone?

I won't repeat them again but I've received another three of these messages since the last email. Two repeats of previous ones and a third, more worrying, "system message" prompting a data download, which I declined obviously.

Dan
________________________________________

From: Admin2
Sent: 25 October 2007 09:37
To: Dan

Dan

Funny enough I chased Vodafone on this yesterday and a lady called Jo will be contacting you direct today to discuss this (see attached#).

It appears because of the content it we straight to Vodafones Spam inbox but Jo was retrieving it yesterday so will call you today.

Thanks

# attached:

From: Vodafone
Sent: Wed 24/10/2007 15:32
To: Admin2

Just thought I'd let you know that the system filtered this message and deemed it as spam, but I am currently in the process of trying to retrieve it so there may be a little delay in my response. ...
________________________________________

Following this Jo from Vodafone did call me, and told me they could change my number for 25 quid, of if I reported it to the police three times would do it for free. She then took some more details about the messages, and called up the sender to see if she could get it stopped. Fortunatly this worked. I was also told that "Tim's" responce was not aceptable and it would be taken up with his line manager. Thankyou, Jo.

________________________________________

Sometime later...

From; Dan
Sent: Tue 13/11/2007 14:24
To: Vodafone
Cc: Admin2

Hi Joanne,

Thanks for your help with stopping the previous spam text invasion. You said you would send an email to Admin2 to confirm that this had been dealt with and that you would copy me in. Although I never saw this I didn't worry as at least the messages did stop after that... until last night.

Yesterday evening I received three "service messages" (see [below], only two had arrived at that point). Not that I would want to anyway but these cannot be opened due to data packet transfer being disabled. However, that also means I have no way of seeing where they are coming from or knowing how to stop them.



Could you please advise on what a "service message" actually is, as I get the impression this is not intended as a mechanism for communication of this sort? And once again, is there anything that can be done to stop this.

Thanks,
Dan
________________________________________

From: Vodafone
Sent: Tue 13/11/2007 14:55
To: Dan

Hi Daniel,

I'm so sorry to here that you have received these SPAM messages, these are rather difficult to stop as they are sent though as site links as appose to a text message. Are you able to access the message to see if any contact numbers are on them for a customer services team to see if they can offer any help?

I'm sorry to say that due to a temporary job move I will be unable to call any customer care contact line on your behalf, but if after looking at the message you find there are no contact numbers, please let me know and I can then see if anyone can assist you with this matter further.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

If you have any further questions or queries then please feel free to contact me.

Kind Regards
Jo
________________________________________

From: Dan
Sent: Mon 19/11/2007 10:08
To: Vodafone

Hi Jo,

Hope you had a good weekend. I've learnt some new words!

I've worked out how to view the message without opening the website. There are no customer service numbers attached but I have found out what website they are coming from. Messages read:

Bent XXX: Free P()rn – 24 hour offer! Address: http://fruitmag.net/promo?n=[mobilenumber]
Cum see fckable lads ramming fat throbbing c()cks into tight v!rg!n holes… FREE PIC WEEKEND Address: http://fruitmag.net/basement?n=[mobilenumber]
Want more filth? Tight twinks, dirty daddies, sexy shemales, hot hunks we've got it all! Free PICS! Address: http://fruitmag.net/basement?n=[mobilenumber]
It's cold outside, so why don't you stay in and warn yourself up by enjoying our hot XXX videos Address: http://fruitmag.net/basement?n=[mobilenumber]
[Messages edited in the hope they'll get through your own spam filter.]

You'll notice the mobile number on the end of each url is mine, so they will be tracking whether they ever get visited, therefore please do not visit them! The main fruitmag.net site is a holding page displaying an imaging saying "TEXT JOIN TO 89975 TO VISIT BENTHARD.COM"

I've tried texting "STOP" to this number but get an error message:

"Access to this service is denied. Content Control bar is in place. You can request the removal of this bar by calling Customer Services"

Again, any advice or suggestions on how to proceed would be appreciated.

Regards,
Dan

Received a couple of fail messages - address obviously went to a mailing list.
________________________________________

From: Vodafone
Sent: Tue 20/11/2007 12:00
To: Dan

Hello Daniel,

Please try e-mailing, customercare[at]hybyte[dot]com with your number and request that they take you off their list.

Warm Regards

How did they know this?
________________________________________

From: Dan
Sent: Tue 20/11/2007 12:07
To: Hybyte

Hi there,

I have a company mobile phone that previously belonged to someone else and I have been receiving unwanted spam service messages from http://fruitmag.net

Could you please remove me from this list and from any other lists you hold. The mobile number in question is 07713 985 830

I have tried texting STOP to the number listed on the website but Vodafone are clever enough to stop the message from going out but not clever enough to stop them from coming in!

If you could confirm that this has been actioned that would be greatly appreciated.

Regards,
Dan
________________________________________

From: Hybyte
Sent: 20 November 2007 15:59
To: Dan

Dear Mr P,

I have blacklisted the mobile number provided on our system. this will prevent any further text messages (that are sent via our system) from reaching the handset.

I have also contacted the client responsible for the traffic of which you complain, and requested that they remove [the number] from their database.

Kind regards
________________________________________

Hooray!!

Labels: Humour, Privacy

:: Dan 17.10.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

The work that must have gone into this Santana video mash blows my mind:

[thanks mully]

Labels: Humour, Video

:: Dan 10.10.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries [via lmg]
Wikipedia's unusual articles wiki [via grom]

Labels: Humour, Wiki

:: Dan 4.10.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

Labels: Humour, Sci-Fi, Video

:: Dan 27.9.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

[From This Hour Has 22 Minutes]

Labels: Fashion, Humour

:: Dan 22.9.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

The Islamic militants beard dye of choice. Watch as your grey hairs die like infidels. Not for use by women.


Osama Bin Laden - Just For Men
Originally uploaded by gusset.

Labels: Flickr, Humour

:: Dan 9.9.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

Urban Adventurer

Guy on number 71 bus to the city centre, 8am, Friday morning, wearing walking boots, khaki trousers, khaki shirt, khaki jacket, khaki sunhat, shaded glasses, and a grey beard.

Parole Whore

6pm, whore on Turbo Corner, Stokes Croft, wearing scraggy hair, tiny crop top, tiny skirt, flip flops, and a plainly visible bail tag on her ankle. The tag was quite possibility the largest single item and undoubtedly weighed more than everything else combined. She was there again the next day but with a pink blouse and pink stilettos, tag still plainly visible. You’d think it would affect business. I wonder if she has any good statistical data on the effects?

Labels: Humour, Spotted

:: Dan 8.9.07 [Arc] [0 comments] [links to this post] ::
...

I had a lot to crap to carry into work on the bus on Monday, including a laptop, my camera, the remains of a fruit salad in an ice-cream tub that decided HAD to be kept upright, etc. Staggering out of the door laden with all this I round the corner to see the cheap bus disappearing past the end of the road. Bugger.

Sometimes two of the cheap busses come along at once, so I risk waiting for the next one and let several of the extortionately priced First busses go past. 35 minutes later (no one can say I don't have patience!) the next friendly blue South Gloucestershire Buses bus pulls up. I get on to find none of the usual familiar faces and far less people looking like they are on the way into the office. An interesting ride with the people who don't have 9 to 5 jobs and are also willing to wait around for ages to save two-pounds-ninety on the bus fair.

The spacey seating area a